my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
