I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
