i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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