i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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