I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
