1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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