12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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