I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
