There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
