the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
