I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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