you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
