you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
