They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize