she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
