alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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