Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
