why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
