Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Less talking, more tequila
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize