you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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