mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
