I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
