Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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