Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The air was thick with penises
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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