it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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