He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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