I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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