By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
