so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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