I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
