I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
