last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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