K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
