he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize