he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
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