Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
the liver wants what the liver wants
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
