Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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