I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
