but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
