the condom got lost in my hair
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
