did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
