I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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