whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
