dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
