We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
