I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
