Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize