i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Randomize
