All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
