she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
