it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
