Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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