I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
